If I Let You Go

  If I Let You Go

  Kyra Lennon

  If I Let You Go © Kyra Lennon 2012

  E-edition published worldwide 2012 © Kyra Lennon

  All rights reserved in all media. This book may not be reproduced or transmitted in any form, in whole or in part, without written permission from the author.

  All characters and events featured in this book are entirely fictional and any resemblance to any person, organisation, place or thing is purely coincidental and completely unintentional.

  Acknowledgements

  Much love to Clare Dugmore, Abby Cavenaugh, Annalisa Crawford and Nick Wilford for your support and guidance.

  Chapter 1

  “Tilly, shift it!”

  All around me, parents waited idly for their little ones to file out of the school gates, but I didn’t have time to hang around. Tilly’s blonde ponytail bounced around as she ran towards me, her book bag bumping against her side. I couldn’t help but smile. The bag was almost as big as her and she struggled to keep it on her shoulder as her little legs scurried closer.

  When she reached me, she gave a dramatic sigh. “It’s been a very long day, Madison.”

  Anyone would think she’d just done a twelve hour shift at McDonald’s, not a day at school.

  Five years old, going on thirty.

  Taking her bag from her, I opened the back door of my car so she could climb in. “I know, sweetie. And I want to hear all about it, but let’s get moving first.”

  The drive home wasn’t too far, but I couldn’t relax until we got back to the apartment and I’d finished the last couple of daily chores. Dominic hadn’t been home in three weeks, and as a rule, I liked to have everything tidy for his return. He didn’t pay any attention to the occasional unwashed plate, and I wasn’t usually so anal about it, but he’d never been away for so long before. I figured he’d want to relax after his business trip, and I fully intended to make something decent for him to eat … if I could get it together in time. Technically, my job description didn’t include cooking for him. I was Tilly’s live-in nanny, not his. Even so, he needed to eat.

  Hearing Tilly’s chatter about her day helped calm me down. Her tales of how she and her friends had made up a new game at playtime, and how the teacher had praised her reading put a smile on my face.

  “Madison, are we going shopping again tomorrow?”

  “You might be,” I answered. “With Daddy. I’m going to spend the weekend with Erica.”

  In the rear view mirror, I saw Tilly’s face fall. “All weekend?”

  “Yeah, but that’s good! It means you get lots of time with your dad to do fun things!”

  “I like doing fun things with you,” she said. “Remember when we went to the cinema and I accidentally dropped my popcorn over that man’s head?”

  A wicked giggle erupted from her mouth, making me laugh. The sight of popcorn tangled in his wild curls, and the way he’d whipped his head around, sending the little golden nuggets flying all over the place had firmly implanted itself in my memory.

  “I remember,” I told her. “And it was fun, but you know you’ll have a good time with your dad. You always do.”

  My mind flicked from fun, to the continued panic about not having everything perfect for Dominic’s return when we got back to the apartment. Once inside, I told Tilly to change out of her school uniform while I went to get the vacuum from the cupboard in the kitchen. Dominic had actually offered to hire outside help to get the cleaning done, but I already felt like I didn’t do enough for what I got out of the deal, so I insisted on doing the housework myself. What else was I supposed to do all day? The idea of having a cleaner buzzing around while I sat on my arse watching Jeremy Kyle was ridiculous.

  The smell of coffee filled my nostrils as I walked down the hall, and my heart lurched.

  I haven’t had coffee today.

  At the breakfast bar of his modern black and white kitchen, Dominic Hartley sat, coffee mug in hand. He never wasted any time getting out of his business suit and into jeans and a t-shirt when he got home. His thick blond hair was product free, and a little damp from the shower. He smiled as I entered the room.

  “Hi Madison.”

  “Hi,” I answered, placing my bag down on one of the shiny counters. “Welcome back.”

  “Thanks. It’s good to be home. Where’s Tilly?”

  “She’s just getting changed. How long have you been home?”

  “About half an hour. I caught an earlier flight. I thought we could all go out for dinner tonight.”

  Dominic’s first night back usually consisted of him eating whatever I’d whipped up for him, then going to bed early to sleep off some of his jetlag, resulting in me reading Tilly her bedtime story. Just like most other nights.

  “I can’t tonight,” I said. “I’m going out, remember?”

  “Completely forgot. But you’ll be back tomorrow, won’t you?”

  “I’ll be back on Sunday, like I told you.”

  Geez, I know he works hard, but you’d think he’d remember where his one staff member will be on the few days he’s at home.

  A light seemed to flick on in his head, his blue eyes filling with the recollection. “You’re going to spend the weekend with your friend. I was really hoping we could go out tonight. There’s something I need to talk to you and Tilly about.”

  Oh good. Another increase in my working hours. Yup, that news can definitely wait until I’ve blown off some steam at a nightclub, and drank my body weight in vodka.

  “It’ll have to wait,” I told him. “I’ve already made plans, and I’ve been waiting for this weekend for a long time.”

  “I understand. But this is important, Madison.”

  I hated it when he addressed me like a client. I may have been his employee, but when I first took the job, I used to be a part of the family. It seemed the more business trips he went on, the more detached he became from his home life. In the past year, he’d been at home less and less. Two nights away became three and four, then he was only at home for weekends. The last four months saw him away two weeks at a time, and his three week trip to New York had been extra rough for both me and Tilly. I got the distinct impression, things were about to get harder.

  “My sanity is important too,” I said. “So please don’t take this weekend away from me. Please.”

  Eventually he nodded. “Okay. You’re right. Go. Have a good time.”

  Before I could thank him, I heard Tilly’s feet padding along the carpet. “Madison, I can’t find my-”

  Tilly’s sentence cut short as she noticed her father, her face breaking into a huge grin. She launched herself across the room, where Dominic scooped her into his arms and squeezed her tightly. “There’s my girl,” he said, kissing her cheek. “Had a good day?”

  She nodded enthusiastically and my heart melted a little at seeing the two of them together again. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and he said, “I missed you so much, baby girl!”

  Tilly gave him a withering stare. “I’m not a baby.”

  Dominic laughed. “I know, you’re not. But you’ll always be my baby girl.”

  “Silly Daddy.”

  Whatever Tilly couldn’t find quickly got forgotten as she set about telling Dominic all the things she’d done since he’d been gone.

  I left them to it and vacuumed the apartment, as planned. Forty minutes later – yes, the rooms were huge – I hopped in the shower, dried my hair, then carefully selected enough clothes for two days, plus some killer outfits for my nights out.

  My insides began to buzz with excitement as I thought about slipping into something completely impractical instead of my sensible day clothes.

  I was almost ready to go when Dominic knocked on my open b
edroom door.

  “What time are you leaving?” he asked, as I checked over the contents of my bag one more time.

  He’s really not going to let this go, is he?

  “Any time now,” I told him. “Erica and I plan to eat out before we hit the clubs.”

  “I’ll order a takeaway. I’ll drive you to Erica’s. Please can you just stay a bit longer so I can talk to you? Tilly’s watching a DVD so she’s settled for a while, and this can’t wait.”

  “I thought you needed to talk to both of us.”

  “I do. But I think the news might go down better if it comes after I’ve spent insane amounts of money on her.”

  Buying her affection. Bad move, Dom. It irritated me when he showered Tilly with things she didn’t need to make up for his absence. It made her bratty for a while after he left, and I had to re-train her to be grateful for what she had, and remind her one of life’s most important lessons.

  You can’t always have what you want.

  “Dominic,” I said, with a sigh. “I know what you’re going to say. I know you’re going to tell me there’ll be more long business trips, and apologise because this isn’t what I signed up for but I really need to take some time for myself tonight. I’m cool with it, we’ll discuss the details when I get back.”

  “I’m taking Tilly to New York.”

  I tilted my head to one side, waiting for the punch line. It didn’t come. Dominic’s face remained serious, and I said, “What are you talking about?”

  He took a deep breath, stepping into my room. “I got offered a job. Well, more like a promotion, really, and it’s a lot more money. But … it’s in New York.”

  “New York,” I repeated, unable to gather a single coherent thought. “New York.”

  “Yeah. You know, the city that never sleeps.”

  “But you … I … Well, congratulations, but-”

  I was dangerously close to slapping myself across the face to snap me out of my stupor and stop me stammering like a scratched CD.

  “I know this is big,” Dominic said, “I didn’t want to drop it on you like this, but I planned to tell you this weekend, and I didn’t want to keep it from you any longer.”

  “Any longer? How long have you known?”

  “I got the offer in March.”

  “March,” I choked. “It’s the end of sodding July now!”

  “The job starts at the beginning of October, and we’ll be leaving mid-September. I wanted to give you some time to start searching for a new job, and my boss is happy to let me lay off the business trips to stay with Tilly if you find somewhere that needs you to start right away.”

  So, I was losing my job and my home in less than two months, and he’d known since March – March. And I was supposed to be grateful for the “advance” warning?

  I flicked the strap of my bag upwards, and threw it over my shoulder. “Is that all?”

  “Yeah but don’t you want to talk about it some more?”

  He glanced at my foot twitching in my shoe, eager to get away and I said, “No. I don’t.”

  Without another word, I breezed past him, made a quick stop into Tilly’s room to give her a goodbye hug, then sped out of the apartment to begin my walk to Erica’s.

  Chapter 2

  Erica spotted the stress on my face as soon as I walked into her flat. Obviously, the plan was for me to console her about her latest relationship failure, but she quickly pushed the tissues she’d left lying around for dramatic effect to one side when she saw the steam billowing out of my ears.

  “What the hell happened to you?” she asked as I dropped my bag down and launched myself onto her sofa. “You don’t usually look like this when you know there’s partying to be done.”

  Erica was already ready to go. She’d slipped into her favourite LBD and full make-up, and her blonde hair was straightened to perfection.

  “Dom,” I said. “Dom happened. He just waltzed back into the flat to tell me that he and Tilly are moving to New York in September.”

  Erica’s green eyes widened in an almost comical way. “Like … forever?”

  “Yeah.”

  “So, where does that leave you?”

  “Screwed.”

  “You don’t want to go with them? It would be amazing to live in New York!”

  My thoughts ground to a halt. Why didn’t he ask me to go with them? I’d been looking after Tilly for three years. She’d never really known any other female. The rest of her family – the rest of both of our families – lived in Devon, and her mother … well, nobody knew where the hell she was. The Hartleys had moved into the house next door to my parents while I was away at Uni. I only met Dominic’s wife, Hayley, once or twice because by the time I left Uni, she’d run away with some bloke she’d met at work. She hadn’t made any attempt to contact her daughter in more than four years.

  “Oh,” Erica said, noting my expression. “I see. Well, that’s just rude. Didn’t he give you any explanation?”

  I rolled over onto my back with a sigh. “I didn’t give him much of a chance to explain anything. I just wanted to get out of there.”

  “Well, maybe before you blow a fuse, you should listen to what he has to say.”

  “I don’t want to hear it,” I told her. “Not yet. I need some time to calm down and let it all sink in. And by that I mean, I need to get drunk and jump around with a bunch of sweaty strangers. And we need to find you a new boyfriend!”

  Erica rolled her eyes. “I should probably get over the last one first.”

  “Probably,” I agreed. “No chance of getting him back?”

  “I don’t think so. He said I’m too obsessive, but I’m not, am I? I mean, I called him a few times a day to arrange a third date but I don’t think I was obsessive. What do you think?”

  I giggled. “Haven’t you learned that men don’t like to be called twelve times a day?”

  “Okay,” she said, matter-of-factly, “I definitely called less than twelve times, and what was I supposed to do? Wait around for him? I know there are all those stupid dating self-help books that say you’re meant to hold back, maintain a bit of mystery, but screw that! What’s wrong with a girl asking for a date?”

  “Nothing at all,” I told her, sitting up. “But maybe you should … try waiting. Or at least calling less.”

  She shrugged, as if to say, ‘Why change the habit of a lifetime?’ and I laughed harder. “Erica, there is no hope for you.”

  “I know,” she moaned. “I’m going to die alone!”

  I stood up, and placed my hands on her shoulders. “You are too lovely for that to happen. Now, practise your smile while I go and get changed!”

  **

  The nearest decent nightlife was in Kingston-Upon-Thames, a fifteen minute cab ride from Esher. Talking about Erica’s love life over dinner helped take my mind off my own problems for a while, but I couldn’t completely rid myself of the knot of annoyance that had tied itself up inside me. By the time we got to the nightclub, I was desperate to start throwing cocktails down my neck.

  Dominic had tried to call me seven times since I left the apartment, and each time, I’d ignored him. I didn’t want the sound of his voice in my head all night.

  We’d only been at the club for an hour before Erica found a new guy to attach herself to. I watched from my spot at the bar as the handsome stranger wound himself around her on the dance floor. It never took her long to find someone else. Her unwavering faith in true love both amused and inspired me, although in honesty, I hadn’t looked for anything serious since … well … ever. I’d had boyfriends and heartbreaks during college and university, but I’d never been the kind of girl who needed a man in my life. For the last few years, I hadn’t really had time for dating because Tilly had been my focus.

  The knot in my stomach tightened as I thought of her. God, I loved that little girl. She’d stolen my heart from the first moment I met her, and watching her grow into such a beautiful, kind-hearted kid had been nothing
but a pleasure. An unexpected lump rose in my throat at the prospect of losing her, but a fresh wave of rage soon pushed it aside. Dominic can’t have thought his decision through properly, or he would have seen what a big mistake it was. Tilly could be cheeky at times, but for the most part, she was shy, especially around new people. It would be doubly hard for her if Dominic went away on business, and she had someone unfamiliar taking care of her.

  “Well, good evening, Madison.”

  The husky voice in my ear made my irritation melt away, and I turned around, smiling.

  “Neil. It’s good to see you.”

  “I didn’t know you’d be out tonight, you should have called.”

  It was a mark of how stressed I’d been. Any other night I knew I’d be in Kingston, Neil was always first on my to-call list. A friend of Erica’s, I’d met him six months ago, when she’d invited me to celebrate her birthday with her and her friends. The attraction was instant. I couldn’t resist his dark hair, dark eyes … and his muscles? Wow. We never got into anything serious, but we had an unspoken agreement that we’d hook up whenever we could. Seemed like a pretty good deal to me. We had great sex, and didn’t have to worry about the pleasantries. It wasn’t nearly as cold as it sounded, in fact, I loved the familiarity of being with him. Neither of us ever wanted anything more serious.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, genuinely. “There is a lot going on in my world at the moment, and I only just managed to escape tonight.”

  “I’m glad you did,” he said, squeezing himself into a gap between me and the thirsty hordes surrounding the bar. “You look gorgeous.”

  I’d gone for a slightly uncharacteristic retro look, at least with my dress. It was fifties style, with the kind of cut that moulds itself to every curve. The neckline was low and square, but I’d teamed it up with modern accessories to create an interesting mix of old and new.

  “Thank you,” I said. “I haven’t had much chance to dress up lately, so I thought I’d make an effort.”