Play On (Game On Book 4) Page 11

  “Tommy said he saw you and Miguel kissing last night.”

  “Is that all?”

  Leah raised an eyebrow. “There’s more?”

  “No! Yes. I don’t know.” I plucked out the pillow from behind me and hugged it close to me. “The thing about the kissing is true. I don’t know what else to tell you.”

  “The truth would be good.”

  With a sigh, I lifted my legs and tucked them underneath me, still clinging to the pillow like it would somehow help me explain to my best friend why I’d made out with her ex-boyfriend. Could I really tell her everything? Right from the beginning? Or would I think up an appropriate cover story, like I’d told Miguel I would? I wondered if anyone had called him too, demanding an explanation. What would he say to them? We hadn’t reached a decision on what to do; we both stupidly thought we’d have the day to figure it out. But of course people would want answers before then. This was Westberg.

  “This is so messed up,” I mumbled, trying to hold back a fresh wave of tears. “I didn’t mean for you to find out this way. I didn’t mean for anyone to find out until I know if there’s anything to tell. I don’t want you to hate me.”

  “Why would I hate you?”

  “You need a list? Because of Will, and because you and Miguel used to date, and-”

  “Hey.” Leah sat up straighter, looking into my eyes again. “Please, just tell me what’s happening.”

  With a sigh, I started to explain everything that had occurred since the night at the club. The uncensored version, including sleeping with Miguel and how messed up my feelings had been since then. Leah listened without interrupting but I couldn’t look her in the eye. In fact, I looked everywhere but directly at her most of the time I spoke. I’d done way too many things I was ashamed of; things that would hurt her and our friends.

  When I finished, with the way Miguel and I left things the night before, I still couldn’t look at her. I just waited, head down, staring at the fibres of the pillow until they began to blur in front of my eyes.

  “Why are you hiding from me?” she asked, eventually.

  “Because I’m an awful, selfish person and I don’t want to see you looking at me that way when I already know what I am.”

  Leah tugged the pillow from my hands, leaving me staring at my knees. “Who do you think you’re talking to? This is me, Freya. The queen of bad decisions. Look at me.”

  I lifted my head, tears already clouding my eyes. There was no judgement on her face; no hurt or anger. Just Leah. My best friend who never judged anyone.

  “You should be so mad at me.” My voice trembled as I spoke.

  “Why? For acting on something you wanted? For trying to be happy?”

  “For stomping over Will’s memory by sleeping with your ex-boyfriend!”

  Leah shook her head. “That’s not what you’ve done.”

  “No? Then why do I feel that way?” I unfolded my legs and stood up, running my hands through my hair again, tugging on the ends in frustration. “I can only imagine what everyone else thinks of me after last night.” When Leah didn’t immediately reassure me things would be fine I gave a bitter laugh. “I knew it.”

  “I can’t speak for everyone. The only people I spoke to about this were Ethan and Bryce.”

  I flicked my head towards her. What if Bryce had already told her what he knew? No. If he’d done that, Leah would have told me right away instead of making me go over everything. Plus, Bryce wouldn’t have given up a secret he’d promised to keep. But what did he say? When I voiced the question, Leah smiled.

  “We’ve all got eyes. We noticed you and Miguel are closer than before, but none of us knew how close.”

  I squeezed my eyes closed against the ache that had started to bang inside my skull. So Bree wasn’t the only one who’d noticed a change. If people had noticed us getting closer, it meant that they were seeing something, and if they saw it too, how the hell could we deny it?

  But how could we accept it?

  “Leah, I don’t know… I don’t understand any of this. I really need to know how you feel, and what you think because I’m freaking out about losing you.”

  “Do you think I’m that judgemental?”

  “No! I think you’re human. Most people are going to have something to say about this and you have more reason than anyone to be upset.”

  “No, I don’t. Miguel and I…” Leah trailed off, sighing. “What we had was short. It was special, and I’ll never forget it, but I was the one who ruined it. I have no right to have any opinion on what he does, or who he goes out with. I would normally be the first to defend “the rules” when it comes to dating a friend’s ex, but those rules don’t apply here. I cheated on him. I’m not angry with you. As for Will… I’ve been thinking about this all night. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, Freya. When I think about Will it still hurts that he’s not here. It must be a million times harder for you.”

  I clenched my jaw, hoping to stop the tears from falling again. “Yeah. It’s hard. Every damn day is hard.”

  “So… if Miguel has helped you, how is that a bad thing?”

  “It’s been five months,” I whispered. “It’s too soon.”

  “Too soon for what? To be happy?”

  “Maybe. It’s definitely too soon for me to have hopped into bed with Will’s best friend.”

  “Don’t make it sound so heartless,” Leah said, echoing what Miguel said to me in the parking lot. “This is hurting you. You didn’t do this because you don’t care anymore. You did it because you needed someone.” She held out her hand, and I took it, swallowing the lump in my throat at her understanding. “I haven’t spoken to Miguel about this, and if you don’t want me to, I won’t. But I don’t think this is easy for him either.”

  “It’s not. He hates himself as much as I hate myself. It’s one big hate-fest.”

  Leah tugged on my hand, beckoning me to sit down again. “How do you feel? Don’t give me any watered down crap, I want the truth.”

  She asked as if the question had a simple answer. If I could just say, “Yes, I want Miguel” or, “No, I made a mistake and I don’t want him,” life would be better. The truth wasn’t as straightforward.

  “You wanna know how I feel?” I asked. “Awful. No matter how hard I try, I can’t put into words how much I miss Will. It’s better than it was at first, but some days I still wish I could crawl into bed and cry all day and all night. Some days the ache of missing him is so strong I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t concentrate on anything, not even the simple things so I end up doing nothing, just staring into space and waiting for the pain to ease. I miss the sound of his voice, even when he was bitching at me to pick up my clothes or put the dishes away.” I choked on a laugh, trying and failing to keep hold of my emotions. “I miss everything I thought we would have.”

  Leah brushed a tear from her cheek. “So what do you want to do?”

  “Hide. Take another four months off work until this is over.”

  She gave an understanding smile. “Realistically.”

  “Realistically, I don’t know. This is going to sound weird in light of what I’ve told you but I can’t make any sense of my feelings for Miguel. He’s been amazing. He’s amazing. When I’m with him everything’s easier but it’s not okay to think about him in a romantic way. It’s not okay that we slept together, or that we kissed last night. I don’t know if I want to be with him, but I do know that I don’t want to be with him like this. When I’m so damn confused. It wouldn’t be fair. Last night he asked me to just let this be whatever it is, and I was so close to saying yes. To letting us go with our feelings and see where they lead us. Now everyone knows and that choice is gone.”

  Silence fell between us and I let my head fall onto Leah’s shoulder again, waiting for her advice. She was weighing it up in her head, I knew it. Eventually she said, “Whatever you decide to do, I’ll be here for you. So will everyone in your life who matters. Don’t
rush your decision because you think people are judging you. You and Miguel have both been hurt enough.”

  “Am I weak, Leah? I mean, I turned to Miguel for comfort. Am I weak for needing a man in my life?”

  “You don’t need ‘a man’ in your life. You’ve done the single thing. You did it for years. You need Miguel. And at this point, I don’t think you need him as much as you think you do.”

  “It feels really wrong. Dating? Already?”

  Leah shook her head. “Who says you have to define it?”

  “Everyone else will define it.”

  “Screw them.” Leah sat forward a little, placing her hands on her swollen stomach. “Remember how things were for Radleigh and me? Everyone was talking about us before they knew the truth – before we even knew the truth. I ran away when I should have stayed and fought for what I wanted, because even when I came back, people were still talking. But those people weren’t the ones who mattered. The people who matter are the ones who will wait for the truth and stay by your side. You’re enjoying being with someone who understands how you feel, and whether you label it or not, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

  “What if… what if we’re just using each other and we both get hurt?”

  Leah shook her head again. “Don’t you see? You and Will… you wasted so much time worrying about the what ifs. I’m not saying Miguel is the right person for you to be with forever, but if you don’t take a risk now and again, you might miss out on something else that could be amazing. I love you both and you deserve to be happy. If people judge you for trying to move on, they are the ones with the problem.”

  Chapter 10 - Space

  I wanted to keep Leah’s words in the front of my mind at work the next day. Unfortunately, believing them was impossible when people kept staring at me. My colleagues, my friends, had almost all turned on me based on Tommy’s tiny snippet of gossip. I truly felt as if we’d gone back in time to when Leah cheated on Miguel, and everyone stopped talking to her over a situation they didn’t fully understand.

  I tried to put myself in their position. What if this had happened to someone else on the team? Would I have been so quick to judge? Maybe. Probably. One thing I’d learned from Leah was to gather the facts before making a decision but I could see how, on the surface, I looked like a cold-hearted bitch.

  Miguel got similar treatment, and every now and then our eyes would meet across the field and we’d have a moment of understanding, a moment of knowing at the end of the day we would get together and talk things through, but we couldn’t do that at work. Not with people watching us. The atmosphere was suffocating; I didn’t feel free to relax because I was over-conscious of what everyone would think if I moved within ten feet of Miguel so I kept as far away as possible.

  At lunchtime I didn’t even contemplate going to the restaurant. I slipped out of the training ground and across the street to the diner where there would be fewer eyes on me. Bad move. For whatever reason, I wasn’t the only person who’d chosen to eat there but I’d already ordered a coffee and a wrap before I spotted Tommy and Cody. Hoping they hadn’t seen me, I slipped into the nearest booth and took a few deep breaths.

  Of all the people who could have been there.

  “Hiding, are we?”

  Tommy’s voice caused goose bumps to ripple over my skin. He and I had never been friends but he’d never spoken to me so coldly before. Cody was by his side, his feet shifting awkwardly.

  “Please. I just want to eat my lunch.”

  “You’re all about getting what you want, huh? You and Miguel been going at it on the side the whole time? Or did you just spot an opportunity?”

  “Tommy, come on,” Cody said, as the stabbing pains began in my stomach. “Don’t do this.”

  The world blurred as Tommy turned to Cody, snarling. “I know you don’t think what she did is okay. You just said-”

  I didn’t want to know what Cody “just said”. My heart pounded, and moisture covered my palms again as anxiety gripped me in its hold. I couldn’t move.

  “Quit it,” Cody interrupted. “This is not our business.”

  “We’re a team! And she fucked Will over! She’s probably been fucking him over the whole time!”

  I clutched my hands to my stomach as sickness crept up my throat. Heartbeat too fast. Palms sweaty. Dizzy. Blurry. I leaned forward slightly, trying to draw in some deep breaths but I couldn’t get enough air into my lungs. Tommy’s words crashed over me, raining down on my body like physical blows and allowing the anxiety to drag me in further, to where it had threatened to pull me all morning. I wanted to scream, or move, or cry, but I couldn’t make my body do anything. It froze and all I could do was hug my arms around myself to block out the oncoming chill.

  “Stop it!” Cody squeezed into the booth beside me, trying to unwind an arm from around my stomach but I held firm, not wanting to let go of my little cocoon of safety. “Freya, you need to calm down, okay? Give me your hand.” When I shook my head, Cody took a firm hold of my wrist and pulled it away from me towards him then wrapped his fingers around mine. Instantly the panic grabbed me again and I gasped out a breath as I looked up at him.

  “It’s okay,” he said gently, pushing his dark hair out of his green eyes so he could focus on me. “You’re okay. Breathe with me.”

  He took a deep breath in, his eyes still on mine, and then blew it out slowly. He repeated the action a couple more times until I joined in, and little by little my muscles unclenched, the nausea passed and my heartbeat slowed to its normal pace. When he was sure I was okay he let go of my hand.

  “Thank you,” I mumbled, finally able to see the world around me again. Tommy was nowhere in sight. “Why did you do that? Why did you help me?”

  “My sister suffers from anxiety attacks. I’ve had to calm her down many times and I know how bad it can get. I couldn’t leave you here alone.”

  “What about what Tommy said?” My heart rate picked up again as I asked the question, waiting for his response.

  “I don’t like what I know about you and Miguel, and I don’t support it. I can’t. I can’t understand how you could move on from Will so fast, and especially not with his best friend. But you’re still my teammate and that means I’ve got your back.”

  My meltdown left me lacking the brainpower to defend myself. I didn’t know if it was worth it anyway since he and everybody else had made up their minds.

  “Why did Tommy talk to me that way?” I picked up a napkin from the table and began idly folding it between my fingers. “He doesn’t know anything. Nobody does.”

  “Tommy can be an asshole and I will kick his butt for being such a dick about this. But he saw what he saw. You know how much everyone loved Will so what did you think would happen if you dated Miguel?”

  “You think I didn’t love him? You think I don’t still love him?” I sighed, still unable to find the right words and not wanting to waste an explanation on someone who didn’t want to listen. “Thank you for being here for me, but I’m okay now.”

  Cody nodded, his long fringe falling over his eyes again. “See you later.”

  Cody left the diner, taking my appetite with him, but I made myself stay and forced myself to eat even though every mouthful made me gag.

  The reaction from my teammates was hurtful but not surprising. Leah was right when she said that the people who mattered were the ones who would wait for the truth, but I’d expected more from Cody. I appreciated him sticking with me through my panic, but ultimately, he felt the same way as everyone else.

  My instincts urged me to tell Richard I wanted to go home but I refused to walk away and give people more to talk about. My whole body ached from the tension I’d held during my freak out but I pushed through it as best as I could. Weirdly, Richard was the only person who hadn’t given me even a hint of a strange look. Perhaps he hadn’t heard the rumours yet, but he would in due course. I was happy to leave that conversation for a bit longer, and I didn’t even shower
before I left work at the end of the day. I bolted to my car and drove home as fast as the busy L.A roads would let me.

  Later, when I’d showered and changed, and was enjoying the evening sunshine out on my balcony, the first peace I’d had all day was disturbed by what sounded like paper rustling. I stepped inside and closed the balcony doors. The noise was coming from my front door. Puzzled, I walked across the living room and down the hallway. A piece of paper had been slipped through the gap under my door and I leaned down to pick it up.

  It was me. The photograph Miguel took of me at the roller rink before the evening had turned to shit. That woman was not the same woman who held the picture now. The woman in the photograph had let go of her sadness and claimed a moment of joy. The woman holding the photograph had almost forgotten how good it felt.

  I reached for the door handle and turned it, not really expecting Miguel to still be there. However, the sight that greeted me made my tension dissolve in an instant.

  Miguel stood in front of me dressed in red pants, black shoes and white socks, and a red and black leather jacket; a replica of the jacket Michael Jackson wore in the Thriller video. He looked both ridiculous and awesome at the same time, and when he did the weird neck wiggle thing the zombies do after they’ve risen from under the ground, I lost it. My shoulders shook with giggles and I fell back against the wall, clutching my stomach as my stress dispersed into the atmosphere.

  “Can I come in?”

  All I could do was nod, and Miguel stepped inside. As he closed the door, he grinned. “That’s better.”

  Peeling myself from the wall, my eyes still streaming with tears, I said, “Did you really have that outfit in your closet?”

  Miguel shook his head, his cheeks reddening slightly. “No. I bought it today because I thought it would make you laugh.”

  That was Miguel. Always willing to do something silly if it would make someone feel better. Still clutching the photo he’d slid through my door before shattering my composure with his costume, I let him pull me into his arms.